12/12/04 - Radio Drama Digest reports:

Please be advised that Great Northern Audio can neither confirm nor deny the possibility that a heterodyne or a number of heterodynes may have escaped from our studio facilities. It is more likely that they are hiding in the Preference section of the systems folder or underneath the right passenger seat of the car. These heterodynes should pose no immediate threat to the public. However, please, do not approach a heterodyne alone, but call a local board-certified SFX artist.

We'd like to assure each and every one of you that there is no such thing as "Weapon Grade" heterodynes. There are, however, entertainment grade heterodynes, which, if they inadvertently weasel their way onto a tape or CD, may steal scenes, tell off-color jokes and/or force listeners to talk about the good old days.

If the heterodynes have escaped, which we will neither confirm or deny; then they probably have headed for International Falls, crossed the border, taken the Grand Portage and, if there is still open water on the Great Lakes, will be in the Irish Sea by Tuesday.

Thank you for your kind attention to this matter.
Brian Price

In further reactions around the world:

Richard Frohlich, the All-High Supreme PooBah at Texas Radio Theatre Company responded:

In terms of our professional image, it is my sincerest hope that the released Heterodynes were not related to the Heterodynes that we sent to Great Northern Audio earlier this month.

As a matter of public disclosure, I will state that one of our heterodynes was of the natural type. And even though the second "Bull" Heterodyne was genetically engineered by combining a few sine waves in the proper (patented) order, it shouldn't pose a serious risk to 'free range' heterodynes or the general public.

I understand that there is some speculation as to the safety of genetically engineered "artificial" heterodynes. Some of the rumors involve voracious appetites, having a knack for wave cancellation, and questions about their sexual preference (being asexual and reproducing at will - something known as 'feedback').

I categorically deny all of these rumors, and say our engineered Heterodynes are no more dangerous than anything else that beings with the letter H.

From England, Dennis Rookard reports:

What…What…What.. An escaped Heterodyne. Just what you’d expect from our American Cousins. Confirms all our suspicions of the Bush administration and American plans for world domination. Not content with their secret development of this evil weapon. They now claim they allowed it to be released by mistake.

Some chance. Even now peace loving short-wave listeners world-wide and domestic AM listeners are being inflected by this weapon. Indeed in a hard hitting letter this week to the West London Gazette, A Mr. Abal Ben Linden wrote.

"Yah Brothers, Me and the lads of the East Acton Branch of the Fundamentalists against everything, wish to protest against this release of American Heterodynes. This is typical of the slipshod management of Great Northern Audio. And our commiseration’s go out to their oppressed workers.

P.S. Future meetings. Tuesday "14st Dec, Church Hall St Peters, East Action. Our meeting which should have been on Why Fox News Hates Liberals and just where has that lady with the mad staring eyes on CNN gone, is to be replaced with an urgent meeting on arrangements for our March to protest the use of Heterodynes.

Finally Tuesday 21st For the Christmas Party - please being your own food, booze and presents. And this year can we have only one Father Christmas. The Fight between the six Anti American Fundamentalist Father Christmas’s last year was most unseemly.

We will continue to follow this story....subject to Hetrodynic madness or Mad Heterodyne Disease setting in. In the mean time, all listeners should keep their headphones on tight to reduce the likelihood of infection.